20th June, 2014

So much has happened, my head is in a spin and I’m dreading the next few months. Fuck. FUCK. I had surgery a week last Monday, to try and unblock my ‘not so damaged tubes’. Well guess what, it didn’t work – it really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. I was in surgery twice as long as I should have been, and I was in so much pain afterwards, that I had to stay in overnight, when I should have gone home, and in fact, I demanded they discharged me when they admitted me on to the gynae ward and placed me in a room with 2 pregnant women, sensitive, huh? Anyway, my left tube IS mangled beyond repair and has been clipped to prevent hydrosalpinx developing in the future. Right tube is doing it’s own sweet thing, which isn’t what it should be doing. They managed to unblock about 2/3rds of it (so again, my tube that wasn’t really blocked, was really blocked). One of the surgeons thought he could see a tiny spot of fluid pass through the tube, so they didn’t clip it, I wish they had. The adhesions are getting worse, and are now involving my bowel. Both of my ovaries are embedded in the adhesions too. Hey, it’s sounding more and more positive with each sentence I write….. Our consultant was very blunt when she came to see me after surgery, saying that we need to start IVF ASAP. I was stunned, if I wasn’t lying in bed (and off my face on morphine!) I would have collapsed. My consultant has never been direct, we’ve never had any guidance during this, just options of what could be done. So, we start IVF next month, my ovaries are aching at the thought of it, and I am petrified. So, so scared. I’m a nurse, and I’m scared of the injections. I’m scared of IVF not working. I’m scared I’m never going to beĀ  Mummy, Mum, Mother. I am so anxious, I’m crying everyday. The Husband is being so pragmatic about it, I’m sure it’s a man thing. He just says that it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work, we try again.


So there we have it, waiting for my period to show up, then we’ll be on the 3 week countdown to IVF. I can’t believe it’s happening so soon.

Tuesday 11th March, 2014.

Yes, it’s Tuesday again, and that means weigh in time! I have lost 4lbs this week, taking my total loss to 6 stone and 5.5lbs in total, hurrah! I’m not quite at the goal needed for IVF, but I’m only 3.5lbs away, which I will lose next week. At the start of my weight loss journey I did not even dare to dream that I could do this, I only focused on getting to the magic BMI 29.9 for IVF. Now I’m focusing on BMI 24.9, to be at an ‘officially’ healthy weight. And I can’t believe how close I am to it, it’s within sight!

And today is my appointment for follow up at clinic after my operation. I’m really nervous, more nervous than I have ever been for a fertility clinic appointment. I think I’m still trying to get my head around my tubes being blocked, I’ve no idea what she’s going to say about my thyroid antibodies – and what she does say will fill me with dread either way. We have booked to go to an open evening at a private fertility clinic, who seem to be more on the ball with autoimmune issues, and that is in April. I hate not knowing what my plan of treatment will be, I just feel like my body is not my own.

Saturday 22nd February 2014

So, I’m tying myself up in knots again. I had to see my GP yesterday to get another course of antibiotics (my 3rd since my operation 5 weeks ago…) and I asked her to repeat my levothyroxine prescription. She wanted to check my TSH level again, and I mentioned I’d had it done a few weeks ago, along with other fertility clinic ordered bloods. She went through them all, and I have got a raised TPOab – raised thyroid antibodies. Marvelous. After a little bit of reading it appears that this is an auto-immune problem, leading to a higher risk of miscarriage and unsuccessful IVF procedures. I’m wondering if by having this there is a link to other auto-immune disease, and whether my clinic will consider this when treatment planning. I guess it’s just another question to add to the list….

Friday 17th January 2014

‘We had a good look around, your uterus and abdominal cavity are fine. I’m sorry, your fallopian tubes are blocked and you have adhesions around your left ovary. You will need IVF.’

Wow. I’m not sure if my husband heard it too, but all I could hear was my world crashing around my ears. I was shocked, I felt like I needed to cry, but I couldn’t. This diagnosis was not on the agenda, I hadn’t even contemplated it. I had been admitted into hospital for a ‘lap & dye’, and a hysteroscopy and a uterine biopsy. There was a possibility I had endometriosis; I had a few symptoms that indicated this and the operation was scheduled as result of some fertility investigations. We had long been aware that we had ‘issues with fertility’, we’ve been married 9 and a half years, and I’ve never been pregnant. We have been under the fertility team at the local hospital for quite some time, with both of us having tests, which led us to a diagnosis of ‘unexplained infertility’ – there was no cause as to why I wasn’t getting pregnant. My hormone profile was fine apart from my thyroid, so I was started on medication for that. My husband’s sperm anaylsis was OK, no real problems there. I had a HyCoSy scan in 2006 which showed my fallopian tubes were perfect. My BMI however, was ridiculously high. I was told to lose weight and I would probably get pregnant. I faffed around losing a stone or 2 here and there, inevitably putting it back on, and more. However last year I lost 6 stone, and we were told we could have fertility treatment, we’d start off with IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination – a bit like a turkey baster!). ‘We’ll book you in for a lap and dye too.’. Always in the back of my mind I really did believe I would get pregnant naturally, goodness only knows how many pregnancy tests I’ve taken. So on Friday, my lap and dye showed that my previously perfect fallopian tubes were completely blocked, the surgeon couldn’t even get the dye in the tubes, oh and for good measure, there are adhesions around my left ovary.

So this is my blog, documenting my journey. I’m so glad you’ve found it, please feel free to comment.