20th June, 2014

So much has happened, my head is in a spin and I’m dreading the next few months. Fuck. FUCK. I had surgery a week last Monday, to try and unblock my ‘not so damaged tubes’. Well guess what, it didn’t work – it really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. I was in surgery twice as long as I should have been, and I was in so much pain afterwards, that I had to stay in overnight, when I should have gone home, and in fact, I demanded they discharged me when they admitted me on to the gynae ward and placed me in a room with 2 pregnant women, sensitive, huh? Anyway, my left tube IS mangled beyond repair and has been clipped to prevent hydrosalpinx developing in the future. Right tube is doing it’s own sweet thing, which isn’t what it should be doing. They managed to unblock about 2/3rds of it (so again, my tube that wasn’t really blocked, was really blocked). One of the surgeons thought he could see a tiny spot of fluid pass through the tube, so they didn’t clip it, I wish they had. The adhesions are getting worse, and are now involving my bowel. Both of my ovaries are embedded in the adhesions too. Hey, it’s sounding more and more positive with each sentence I write….. Our consultant was very blunt when she came to see me after surgery, saying that we need to start IVF ASAP. I was stunned, if I wasn’t lying in bed (and off my face on morphine!) I would have collapsed. My consultant has never been direct, we’ve never had any guidance during this, just options of what could be done. So, we start IVF next month, my ovaries are aching at the thought of it, and I am petrified. So, so scared. I’m a nurse, and I’m scared of the injections. I’m scared of IVF not working. I’m scared I’m never going to beĀ  Mummy, Mum, Mother. I am so anxious, I’m crying everyday. The Husband is being so pragmatic about it, I’m sure it’s a man thing. He just says that it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work, we try again.

 

So there we have it, waiting for my period to show up, then we’ll be on the 3 week countdown to IVF. I can’t believe it’s happening so soon.

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Tuesday 4th March, 2014

Yay, Tuesday is weigh day and this week I lost 3lbs, which means I only have 7lbs left to lose before they say yes to IVF…… Hurrah! However, it isn’t going to happen that soon unfortunately. We’ve made the decision to wait until I am working and qualify for full maternity benefts, which means that we won’t be starting IVF until at least August, as I still need to find a job. I’ve just passed my midwifery degree, so I’m busily applying for midwifery posts. I’m also a qualified nurse, and I’ve been offered my ideal nursing post, so I’ve got a massive decision to make….

Clinic is 7 days away (well, at the moment, they nearly always change our appointment…..) so I need to prepare a list of questions that I’m hoping they can answer. The list, so far, goes as follows:

1) Can my fallopian tubes be unblocked? Is this recommended?

2) What was the result of my uterine biopsy? Is it endo?

3) If my tubes can not be unblocked, is it recommended that they are removed? Is there a hydrosalpinx there? Will this cause fluid to leak into my uterus and cause implantation failure?

4) My TPO antibodies – what can be done about this? Am I likely to have other immune issues?

5) (I’m kind of expecting The Husbands sperm analysis to be bad news, nearly everything else has been!) What is the significance of the results?

 

I’m sure I will think of more questions…..

Saturday 18th January 2014

IVF. I.V.F. Three little initials that have become so common in everyday life. You hear it all the time ‘Oh, Kate and Tom are having a baby, she had to have IVF you know, such a shame for them.’. I think people can be so blase about it, I think I was too; until now. I knew IVF had a potential to factor in our journey, but like I said before, I always thought that we’d conceive naturally, normally, like everybody else. Well, not everbody else at all actually, fertility issues are more common place than I had realised, I read that 1 in 5 couples will need some sort of intervention. Yes, an intervention – most couples can have sex and have a baby, not us though. We need an intervention. Feels like I need a miracle, not an intervention. I’m feeling very ‘woe is me’ today. I’m still getting over the general anaesthetic from yesterday, my throat is so sore – apparently I started regurgitating lots of fluid when they anaesthetised me, I guess there was a panic trying to sort that out and thats why my throat is so sore – I’ve had lots of GAs before, never been this sore. And the abdo pain, when they woke me up yesterday the pain was horrific, my blood pressure was through the roof! Hey ho, none of that matters now. None of it compares to the fact I am faulty and I need an intervention.