4th September, 2014

Well, OTD was yesterday! I went to the clinic, nervous but excited, surely 14 home pregnancy tests can’t be wrong! I am friends with one of the nurses at the clinic, we trained as nurses together, so I had been chatting to her all before and during the IVF, and during the 2WW. I’d told her that I’d done the tests, and she was cautiously optimistic about it! So, we get called through by a different nurse, who passes comment that she doesn’t need to test my urine, as I’d already done so many tests, she then started telling me off, like I was a school child, I actually felt a bit humiliated. This was the day that I’d been aiming for, to become officially pregnant. I didn’t expect fanfares etc, but she was actually quite rude. Barely smiled, and barely mumbled a congratulations as we walked out the door. We were in and out in a minute. No advice on early pregnancy, no advice on taking vitamins etc, just that they’d see me in 3 weeks for a scan. That was it. I know this is their job, but for me and The Husband, and for many many couples, to have a baby is such a burning desire, this moment is what we aim for, to see those 2 pink lines, or the word ‘pregnant’ without a ‘not’ in front of it.

I am so happy, I am pregnant. The next 36 weeks aren’t going to be easy, I’m at high risk of miscarriage, but for the time being, I’m pregnant and I am going to have a baby in May! Scan on 23rd September, make sure it is in the right place, and see if there is a heartbeat – and see how many there are, I have a 25% chance of twins, eeekkk!

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13th July, 2014

So, one of the most exciting yet daunting journeys of my life started today! I am so excited that we might end up with a baby at the end of this, yet scared that it isn’t going to work. I had been really worrying about the injections – not the thought of pushing the needle through my skin, but the thought of flushing the liquid into my body. Set my alarm for 06.25, so that I would be prepared to inject at 06.30. I prepared my syringe with no problem (benefits of being a nurse and a midwife 😉 ) then sat on the edge of the bed. I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I pushed the needle through my skin slowly, it wasn’t too bad, I liked the feeling of being able to control this myself. I very slowly began to plunge the buserelin into my subcutaneous fat. I was expecting it to sting, but I think I was pinching my fat so hard that I didn’t feel anything else! Felt so relieved when it was done, very tiny spot of blood after, but other than that, I couldn’t even tell where I had injected! Felt like a momentous step, like when you get a mortgage, proper grown up stuff. The Husband was lovely, touching my back as I did it. I said that some blokes like to do the injections, to feel more  apart of the process – he looked like I had pissed on his chips, there is no way he wants to do it! So, there we have it, I’ve finally started IVF…..

Tuesday 11th March, 2014.

Yes, it’s Tuesday again, and that means weigh in time! I have lost 4lbs this week, taking my total loss to 6 stone and 5.5lbs in total, hurrah! I’m not quite at the goal needed for IVF, but I’m only 3.5lbs away, which I will lose next week. At the start of my weight loss journey I did not even dare to dream that I could do this, I only focused on getting to the magic BMI 29.9 for IVF. Now I’m focusing on BMI 24.9, to be at an ‘officially’ healthy weight. And I can’t believe how close I am to it, it’s within sight!

And today is my appointment for follow up at clinic after my operation. I’m really nervous, more nervous than I have ever been for a fertility clinic appointment. I think I’m still trying to get my head around my tubes being blocked, I’ve no idea what she’s going to say about my thyroid antibodies – and what she does say will fill me with dread either way. We have booked to go to an open evening at a private fertility clinic, who seem to be more on the ball with autoimmune issues, and that is in April. I hate not knowing what my plan of treatment will be, I just feel like my body is not my own.

Friday 28th February, 2014

I have felt so bereft this week, my poor laptop cable went to laptop cable heaven, and thus I’ve not been able to access the internet much, only on my phone. However, a shiny new laptop cable has arrived this morning, and I’m back in the land of the internet again (incidentally, I got so much more housework done when I was without my laptop…). Fortunately nothing too eventful occurred this week, at weigh in I lost 4lbs, which takes me to around 10lbs needed to  lose before I can have IVF, hurrah! Follow up clinic is in 11 days time, I’m looking forward to having the full picture.

Saturday 22nd February 2014

So, I’m tying myself up in knots again. I had to see my GP yesterday to get another course of antibiotics (my 3rd since my operation 5 weeks ago…) and I asked her to repeat my levothyroxine prescription. She wanted to check my TSH level again, and I mentioned I’d had it done a few weeks ago, along with other fertility clinic ordered bloods. She went through them all, and I have got a raised TPOab – raised thyroid antibodies. Marvelous. After a little bit of reading it appears that this is an auto-immune problem, leading to a higher risk of miscarriage and unsuccessful IVF procedures. I’m wondering if by having this there is a link to other auto-immune disease, and whether my clinic will consider this when treatment planning. I guess it’s just another question to add to the list….

Wednesday 19th February 2014

So, good news! I’ve completed my first week back on the Cambridge Weight Plan (CWP) and from last Wednesday morning I’ve lost 12.5lbs! I’m SO happy with that, I really am. Takes me much closer to the goal needed for IVF,  and I feel like I can see a difference. I feel less bloated, tummy looks smaller and I think I can see my collar bones making a re-appearance! I’ve only got 8 weeks until I can start upping the protein that I eat – I need to make sure I do this for a minimum of 12 weeks before IVF. At the end of the next 8 weeks I’m hoping my BMI will be around 28/27, and that in the 12 weeks following I can get my BMI down to below 25. It really feels achievable now, I’m really not that far away, especially when I started off with such a large BMI of 46…. I look back on those photos and really wonder why I did that, how did I let myself get like that. There is no way I’m going back to that, that’s for certain! Clinic appointment in 2 weeks and 6 days, I know I’m not going to be at goal weight, but to be honest, this appointment is about setting a plan, using all the up to date test info we have. We will get the full results from my operation, including uterine biopsy. I’ve had all my bloods taken again, so will have a better idea of what my hormones are up to, and The Husband has had his fishes tested again, so yes, we will have a very clear picture then.

Bad news – I had my smear test yesterday, and my cervix looks abnormal. Apparently I have 2 ‘horns’ on my cervix (oohh, a horny cervix, get me!). The lovely nurse got the lovely GP into to have a look, felt like I should have started charging for tickets ’round up, round up! Come and see the freak show!’. Anyway, GP doesn’t seem to concerned, if smear comes back negative then they will just leave it. When I got home last night I suddenly remembered that about 10 years ago I was referred to the gynae team, who did swabs etc, and they noticed something on my cervix then. It’s just odd as nobody had mentioned anything since then! I will ask my doc at the fertility clinic when I go, as I had a hysteroscopy, so surely they would have seen it too…. So, fingers crossed it’s all a fuss about nothing, and that I just have a unique cervix – the midwife (albeit it not quite qualified as a midwife, very nearly there, just waiting for uni to process the paperwork and get my registration sent off…) is already worrying about my cervix dilating when I get into labour. I can just imagine my horny cervix leaving my with just a tiny lip, not allowing me to be fully dilated, which would probably be typical for me, if I’m honest! Anyway, moral of the story is this: please keep up to date with your smear tests. My school friend died earlier this month from cervical cancer, she was 34.  Please, if you don’t know when your last one was, phone your surgery and check. Book it in. It only takes 2 minutes and it could save your life.

Saturday 15th February 2014

So, I started back on the Cambridge Weight Plan, today is day 4. I’ve stuck to plan, and not really struggling with feeling hungry, which is good. What I am struggling with is the mental side of it. I’m only 4 days in and I’m feeling really low, really missing food. I’ve no idea how I am going to carry on. The Husband is fab, he’s preparing his own food and doing the food shopping. Great, yes? Yes. However, he’s come home and has bought a trolley full of healthy food, which had got to be better than unhealthy food, right? Wrong. I’m now sat here, trying to bargain with myself ‘Yes, you can come off the plan, eat lots of healthy food, go to the gym, go swimming, go for walks etc, etc.’. Promises I’ve made and broken in the passed. I know that I struggle sticking to things like slimming world or weight watchers and basic calorie counting, I don’t have the resolve to stick to it. I only need to lose another 1 stone and 7lbs to be eligible for IVF, and we’re probably looking at doing that in August/September, so I’m in no rush. Which doesn’t help as I’m not provided with an immediate deadline. Before I started this attempt I had decided that I will stay on this part of the plan (459 cals a day) until my birthday, which is less than 9 weeks away, then step up the plan to start including more protein, ready for starting IVF around 3 months later. I’ve done really well on this plan previously – I lost 4st and 5lbs in around 15 weeks last year, so I know it works for me. I’m feeling so miserable right now. Oh, and to top it all off, I’ve got another wound infection, and I’m on my second lot of antibiotics. Joy.