Saturday 15th February 2014

So, I started back on the Cambridge Weight Plan, today is day 4. I’ve stuck to plan, and not really struggling with feeling hungry, which is good. What I am struggling with is the mental side of it. I’m only 4 days in and I’m feeling really low, really missing food. I’ve no idea how I am going to carry on. The Husband is fab, he’s preparing his own food and doing the food shopping. Great, yes? Yes. However, he’s come home and has bought a trolley full of healthy food, which had got to be better than unhealthy food, right? Wrong. I’m now sat here, trying to bargain with myself ‘Yes, you can come off the plan, eat lots of healthy food, go to the gym, go swimming, go for walks etc, etc.’. Promises I’ve made and broken in the passed. I know that I struggle sticking to things like slimming world or weight watchers and basic calorie counting, I don’t have the resolve to stick to it. I only need to lose another 1 stone and 7lbs to be eligible for IVF, and we’re probably looking at doing that in August/September, so I’m in no rush. Which doesn’t help as I’m not provided with an immediate deadline. Before I started this attempt I had decided that I will stay on this part of the plan (459 cals a day) until my birthday, which is less than 9 weeks away, then step up the plan to start including more protein, ready for starting IVF around 3 months later. I’ve done really well on this plan previously – I lost 4st and 5lbs in around 15 weeks last year, so I know it works for me. I’m feeling so miserable right now. Oh, and to top it all off, I’ve got another wound infection, and I’m on my second lot of antibiotics. Joy.

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Monday 20th January 2014

I promise I won’t keep posting daily updates – but this is new to me, and I am finding it hard to process. As I’ve mentioned before, we have known we have issues with our fertility for a long time, but when we’ve talked about it to other people (family, close friends etc) it’s just been easier to say ‘we probably need IVF’ rather than going into all the ins and outs of the different types of treatment we could have. Everyone knows what IVF is, so it was just easier. So when I told people about the results of the op, nobody really seemed phased by it. I just don’t think people understand how gut-wrenching it has been to be told that nothing else will work. Only IVF. One of my best friends came to see me today, I was really hoping I could just talk about it, but she didn’t enable me to, the subject was changed, or I was made to feel like she had been through worse (she had some investigations, but when on to have 2 natural conceptions, normal pregnancies and normal deliveries). I felt so let down. Then to top it off she told me the story of one of her friends who hasn’t had a period for about a year, felt really ill, went to the GP before Christmas and yes, you guessed it, was 12 weeks pregnant. This girl is apparently 30 today, but ‘she can’t have any alcohol, but she’s having a party on Friday, so that’s OK.’ Just what I wanted to hear!

Sunday 19th January 2014

Still feeling all ‘woe is me’, I’m still shocked. I’m in a group on facebook, with some wonderful internet weirdie friends, all on their own journey to parenthood; some taking a similar route to me, some taking a different route. It’s really reassuring to have somewhere where people feel the same as me and can virtually hold my hand. Husband is being really pragmatic about it, almost emotionless. It’s as if it isn’t bothering him, but he says that he knew this would be the outcome, he always knew we wouldn’t conceive naturally. I don’t know if I knew we couldn’t conceive naturally, or just didn’t want to give up hope. Hope. It’s the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, and I have to cling on to that hope.

Saturday 18th January 2014

IVF. I.V.F. Three little initials that have become so common in everyday life. You hear it all the time ‘Oh, Kate and Tom are having a baby, she had to have IVF you know, such a shame for them.’. I think people can be so blase about it, I think I was too; until now. I knew IVF had a potential to factor in our journey, but like I said before, I always thought that we’d conceive naturally, normally, like everybody else. Well, not everbody else at all actually, fertility issues are more common place than I had realised, I read that 1 in 5 couples will need some sort of intervention. Yes, an intervention – most couples can have sex and have a baby, not us though. We need an intervention. Feels like I need a miracle, not an intervention. I’m feeling very ‘woe is me’ today. I’m still getting over the general anaesthetic from yesterday, my throat is so sore – apparently I started regurgitating lots of fluid when they anaesthetised me, I guess there was a panic trying to sort that out and thats why my throat is so sore – I’ve had lots of GAs before, never been this sore. And the abdo pain, when they woke me up yesterday the pain was horrific, my blood pressure was through the roof! Hey ho, none of that matters now. None of it compares to the fact I am faulty and I need an intervention.