13th February, 2015.

My poor neglected blog. I’ve just read back on the events of the last year, and I would so dearly love to go back to myself this time last year and say ‘this time next year, you will be 28 weeks pregnant and completely in love with The Boy’. If only we all had that crystal ball…..

 

So there you have it, the short version, I’m 28 weeks pregnant. I have a fabulous little boy on board, who has been nicknamed The Boy, which I think will probably stick with him for life. He does have a real name too, but will wait until he’s born to announce that!

Long version (I hope you have some cake and a cuppa….). Well, it seems that pregnancy and I aren’t the best of partners. I more or less sailed through the first trimester, had a little bit of nausea, but that settled with a bag or two of salt and vinegar squares. In fact I ate packets of them. I even wrote to Walkers to see if I could buy the seasoning anywhere, as it was the seasoning that made the sickness go. They said they couldn’t divulge their secret recipe (sheesh, it’s just salt and vinegar 😉 ) but sent me some vouchers, which was nice. So, no vomiting (hurrah!), but the anxiety was mounting. I had a few episodes of spotting, I’d get scanned and all was fine. The first time I heard his heartbeat I sobbed on the table. I couldn’t quite believe that that embryo was growing inside of me. We had a few early scans. The bleeds seemed to tail off, and my anxiety lessened as I headed towards the second trimester. We had our dating scan, which put our EDD forward by 4 days (impossible, egg and sperm hadn’t even met at that point!) but hey ho, we were 4 day closer to meeting our baby. I felt great. I was happy, and we could start making little plans. I’d got a job as a midwife, and was awaiting a start date.

Then on November 4th our world briefly came crashing down around our ears again. I was at home, in bed. The Husband was at work. I rolled over in bed and felt a gush of fluid between my legs. I checked, it was bright red blood. I sat up and it was pouring from me. Whenever I talk about it I still feel the warmth of the blood pouring down my legs (and my cream divan bed…..). I tried to call The Husband, but he doesn’t answer his phone (he can’t where he works), so I had to call my Father in Law, to call my Mother in Law who works with The Husband to get him to come home. I was hysterical, sobbing that I was having a miscarriage. My Father in Law had asked me if I’d called an ambulance, which I hadn’t…. So, I call an ambulance and on the phone all I kept saying was ‘I can’t lose this baby, I can’t lose this baby’. The woman was fab, she tried to calm me down and talked me through the next few mins until an ambulance arrived. I explained I was upstairs, couldn’t get downstairs, so she said she would send the police around to break in – that panicked me more, so I grabbed a pillow, put it between my legs, and waddled downstairs, leaving a trail of blood behind me. I managed to open the front door, and then went and sat on the sofa (leather, thankfully!). It felt like ages before they arrived, and even longer for The Husband to arrive. I finally get wheeled to the ambulance, and put in a stretcher. I notice that somehow, I have a chicken feather stuck to the blood on my toe, which actually distracted me from what was going on.

I get to the hospital, and the care was less than adequate. The nursing staff left me in a shut room for 20 mins, no observations, no IV access (considering I’m still bleeding…) and nobody checking on me. The doctor walks in, and all I want there and then (and I suspect that any other woman in the world in my situation) was for her to scan me and see if I am still pregnant or not. But no, she wouldn’t, and walked out of the room telling the nurse I was refusing treatment!! The nurse explained that they need to take a history, examine my abdomen, check my cervix and see if there was anything that indicated miscarriage (you know, apart from the blood I was swimming in!). They couldn’t see my cervix as there were too manty clots in the way, but from what they’d scooped out from my vagina and clothing, there was no evidence of ‘products of conception’. At that point, I knew that my baby was OK. I don’t know how, but I had a calm feeling. The doctor insisted I was miscarrying, but I didn’t believe her. My IVF consultant was called, and I was informed she’d be up to scan me after lunch.

She arrived on the ward, and scanned me, and there in all his glory was The Boy, dancing away like nothing had happened. The Husband had aged about 20 years in those few hours. I just wanted May to arrive, so The Boy would be here. The initial doctor came back and said my iron levels were fine and that I could go home. I refused, I told her that my iron levels are lower than that, I’d bled a little more since she took th eblood, and an accurate iron level can’t be obtained so soon after a significant bleed.  They kept me in overnight, did my bloods in the morning, and I was proved right. The registrar was about to discharge me, hadn’t checked my iron levels, and huffed and puffed as she did so. They had dropped significantly, and was started on iron supplements straight away. Thankfully I run at a really high iron level, so I avoided the need for a blood transfusion! I bled for 6 weeks afterwards, and my iron levels haven’t returned to normal, but are within acceptable limits.

The Boy has well and truly kept me on my toes. I’d been told that the bleed was probably caused by some of my placenta coming away, so I was to expect a growth restricted, premature baby. I’ve had some episodes of reduced movements, and I was scanned. My poor little growth restricted baby appears to be doing very well, and is plotting above the 90th centile, weighing approx 2lbs 8oz at 26+5 weeks pregnant! I was stunned! I have more growth scans booked, and I’m well aware that his growth could still be impaired, but for now, he’s doing OK. My anxiety is through the roof again. I have a low lying placenta (common in IVF pregnancies apparently!) and I have raging SPD, but it’s all worth it for my Boy.

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4th September, 2014

Well, OTD was yesterday! I went to the clinic, nervous but excited, surely 14 home pregnancy tests can’t be wrong! I am friends with one of the nurses at the clinic, we trained as nurses together, so I had been chatting to her all before and during the IVF, and during the 2WW. I’d told her that I’d done the tests, and she was cautiously optimistic about it! So, we get called through by a different nurse, who passes comment that she doesn’t need to test my urine, as I’d already done so many tests, she then started telling me off, like I was a school child, I actually felt a bit humiliated. This was the day that I’d been aiming for, to become officially pregnant. I didn’t expect fanfares etc, but she was actually quite rude. Barely smiled, and barely mumbled a congratulations as we walked out the door. We were in and out in a minute. No advice on early pregnancy, no advice on taking vitamins etc, just that they’d see me in 3 weeks for a scan. That was it. I know this is their job, but for me and The Husband, and for many many couples, to have a baby is such a burning desire, this moment is what we aim for, to see those 2 pink lines, or the word ‘pregnant’ without a ‘not’ in front of it.

I am so happy, I am pregnant. The next 36 weeks aren’t going to be easy, I’m at high risk of miscarriage, but for the time being, I’m pregnant and I am going to have a baby in May! Scan on 23rd September, make sure it is in the right place, and see if there is a heartbeat – and see how many there are, I have a 25% chance of twins, eeekkk!

20th August, 2014

So, here it is, the big day has arrived! I went to acupuncture this morning, for the pre-transfer treatment. I have really loved going to acupuncture, and even if there is no science in it, it really has made me feel good. Apart from this time! Now, I don’t know if you’ve been through IVF, but when it comes to embryo transfer they like a ‘comfortably full’ bladder. So, I woke up, had a wee, had a drink. And another drink. All good. Until you’re lying on a table, with needles sticking out of you, desperately needing to wee. I couldn’t zone out like I normally do, and I had to ask my lovely acupuncturist lady to un-needle me, as I was going to wee on the table. The relief was immense. We headed to the hospital straight after, my appointment was for 10 am, it was now 9.30am. I was conscious that I had just emptied my bladder, so I drank lots. Got to the hospital and I was shown through.  We were waiting to see the embryologist, to see how our 3 embryos were doing. I could feel my bladder getting fuller and fuller. I told the nurse that I was desperate and she allowed me to go again, and once again the relief was fabulous! So, the embryologist came along, one of our embryos had not developed passed fertilisation, one of them (who we have named Franky 5 cells) developed from one cell to two cells, to five cells then back to four cells – this was apparently, unusual. Our third embryo was perfect. So, we agreed to have our perfect embryo placed back in – we did push for 2, but they said because this embryo is perfect, that they can’t put 2 back.

 

So, my bladder is filling up again, and it’s finally my turn to go through. I manged to get on the table without weeing everywhere, and the doctor scans me and exclaims that ‘your bladder is beautifully full!’ and I nearly replied ‘yes, I know, you’re pressing very hard on it!’ So there I am, legs in stirrups, with my foof out for the whole world to see, with the worlds biggest spotlight on it, like it’s just about to sing to fully packed Albert Hall. They did the dummy catheter run, they had Aretha Franklin’s ‘You make me feel like a Natural woman’ playing….. There was nothing natural about this! Then transfer time, and they played Ultravox’s Vienna ‘This means nothing to me……..!’. Other songs included Lisa Stansfields ‘Been around the world and I can’t find my baby’ and Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean ‘…the kid is not my son’. Really? REALLY?

 

Anyway! We have one perfect embryo on board. OTD is 3rd September, however I generally have about a 12 day luteal phase, so I think we’ll know before then. I have started taking the progesterone suppositories, so I don’t know if they will make a difference or not, hopefully they will do their job though.

 

Fingers crossed!

18th August, 2014.

So, I had my egg collection today – they only collected 5 eggs, I am gutted. The Husband’s sample was good enough for IVF, so ICSI not needed, which I’m actually disappointed about. At least with ICSI we know that an individual sperm is injected into each egg, with IVF it all depends on how the lazy, malformed fishes are feeling.

I am sore, and in such a bad mood this evening. The Husband seems oblivious, his idea of looking after me is making me a sandwich when we got home, and telling me he loves me. He hasn’t even got me a drink – he knows it’s painful for me to walk around, and in all honesty, I just want a little TLC and to wallow in my own self pity – that’s not too much to ask for, is it?

So, a sleepless night I suspect, waiting on the phonecall tomorrow to see how many embryos we have. We are facing a 2 day transfer, and we will hopefully (if the numbers are there) transfer 2. I know the risks of multiple pregnancy, but I would rather deal with that, than not be pregnant.

Will keep you posted….

15th July, 2014.

Day 3 of buserelin today, still not liking the injections, but at least I know what to expect now. I have, however, experienced my first real side effect….. After I went back to bed after my injection, I had the most vivid dreams. First of all I dreamt I was shoe shopping with an old school friend, who was really good friends with Victoria Beckham, who came along too. VB was looking for flat, black strappy sandals, instead she found a mid calf length white tutu type skirt, with pink/iridescent sequins all over it, the sort of thing you would find in a child’s dressing up box. Anyway, VB loved it, tried it on, and was parading around topless, looking for a top to go with it. David Beckham then walked in, telling VB that she shouldn’t be buying new things, as they were on an economy drive. He then went down to the staff room, and made himself a fry-up, with black pudding, claiming it was healthy….. The dream then changed to me being in one of the lifts at the hospital I work in, I wanted to go to the second floor, but the lift bypassed all the floors, spun around, and opened up on the roof, where we were told to sit on the edge, where we could watch the comedian John Bishop hosting an underwater dinner party. There were underwater helium balloons, which were lit up so they would glow. JB was wearing a big glass bowl on his head. My dream then changed to me walking up the road, and I saw a bloke who I had recently challenged about inciting religious hatred (in real life). He pointed at me, and asked me to speak to him he then proceeded to start attacking me, and beating me up! It was horrible! My dream then went back to my house, where one of my chickens was vomiting natural yoghurt, I rushed her into the kitchen, bathed her and nursed her back to health.

 

And, the Husband also felt my wrath! I was a total bitch to him, and he was lovely to me, but did tell me I was being a bitch, we made me giggle. I also shouted at some smart-ass in the street who was having a go at me for not indicating, even though it was blocked off in one of the directions, meaning I could only go one way….

So, there we have it, my first Buserelin side effects……!

 

 

 

13th July, 2014

So, one of the most exciting yet daunting journeys of my life started today! I am so excited that we might end up with a baby at the end of this, yet scared that it isn’t going to work. I had been really worrying about the injections – not the thought of pushing the needle through my skin, but the thought of flushing the liquid into my body. Set my alarm for 06.25, so that I would be prepared to inject at 06.30. I prepared my syringe with no problem (benefits of being a nurse and a midwife 😉 ) then sat on the edge of the bed. I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I pushed the needle through my skin slowly, it wasn’t too bad, I liked the feeling of being able to control this myself. I very slowly began to plunge the buserelin into my subcutaneous fat. I was expecting it to sting, but I think I was pinching my fat so hard that I didn’t feel anything else! Felt so relieved when it was done, very tiny spot of blood after, but other than that, I couldn’t even tell where I had injected! Felt like a momentous step, like when you get a mortgage, proper grown up stuff. The Husband was lovely, touching my back as I did it. I said that some blokes like to do the injections, to feel more  apart of the process – he looked like I had pissed on his chips, there is no way he wants to do it! So, there we have it, I’ve finally started IVF…..

2nd July, 2014.

Eeeeeeeppppp! We’re starting IVF on 13th July. We had our clinic appointment this morning, TSH level is fine, it finally decided to come down with an increased dose. My TPOab have increased, which isn’t good news, but the clinic don’t really acknowledge immune issues. So. I’ve come home with loads of info sheets on IVF, we’ve signed out lives away, and I have a bag full of syringes, needles and drugs. Scary, scary.