Well, OTD was yesterday! I went to the clinic, nervous but excited, surely 14 home pregnancy tests can’t be wrong! I am friends with one of the nurses at the clinic, we trained as nurses together, so I had been chatting to her all before and during the IVF, and during the 2WW. I’d told her that I’d done the tests, and she was cautiously optimistic about it! So, we get called through by a different nurse, who passes comment that she doesn’t need to test my urine, as I’d already done so many tests, she then started telling me off, like I was a school child, I actually felt a bit humiliated. This was the day that I’d been aiming for, to become officially pregnant. I didn’t expect fanfares etc, but she was actually quite rude. Barely smiled, and barely mumbled a congratulations as we walked out the door. We were in and out in a minute. No advice on early pregnancy, no advice on taking vitamins etc, just that they’d see me in 3 weeks for a scan. That was it. I know this is their job, but for me and The Husband, and for many many couples, to have a baby is such a burning desire, this moment is what we aim for, to see those 2 pink lines, or the word ‘pregnant’ without a ‘not’ in front of it.
I am so happy, I am pregnant. The next 36 weeks aren’t going to be easy, I’m at high risk of miscarriage, but for the time being, I’m pregnant and I am going to have a baby in May! Scan on 23rd September, make sure it is in the right place, and see if there is a heartbeat – and see how many there are, I have a 25% chance of twins, eeekkk!
So, one of the most exciting yet daunting journeys of my life started today! I am so excited that we might end up with a baby at the end of this, yet scared that it isn’t going to work. I had been really worrying about the injections – not the thought of pushing the needle through my skin, but the thought of flushing the liquid into my body. Set my alarm for 06.25, so that I would be prepared to inject at 06.30. I prepared my syringe with no problem (benefits of being a nurse and a midwife 😉 ) then sat on the edge of the bed. I honestly thought I was going to vomit. I pushed the needle through my skin slowly, it wasn’t too bad, I liked the feeling of being able to control this myself. I very slowly began to plunge the buserelin into my subcutaneous fat. I was expecting it to sting, but I think I was pinching my fat so hard that I didn’t feel anything else! Felt so relieved when it was done, very tiny spot of blood after, but other than that, I couldn’t even tell where I had injected! Felt like a momentous step, like when you get a mortgage, proper grown up stuff. The Husband was lovely, touching my back as I did it. I said that some blokes like to do the injections, to feel more apart of the process – he looked like I had pissed on his chips, there is no way he wants to do it! So, there we have it, I’ve finally started IVF…..
I just cannot stop myself getting worked up about IVF. It seems that every spare moment of time, I am researching IVF, looking for things I can do to improve my chances. Researching all the ‘added extras’ such as having an endometrial scratch, using an embryoscope, using EmbryoGlue, having accupuncture, meditation, weight loss, vitamin supplements and even planning to visit the chalk fertility ‘thing’ in the south of England. I’m currently obsessed with comparing clinics results against each other, but the results aren’t very recent, and so many advances have happened in the world of IVF recently, and I don’t think the current HFEA results reflect these advances. Everyday in the media there is always something about infertility/IVF that may offer conflicting views to those you already hold, or conflicting advice to that which you have already taken on board – most recently taking pre-conception multivitamins has shown links to increased miscarriage rates. Seriously, what is a desperate woman to do? I’ve even been researching IVF clinics abroad – I really don’t know if we will have further attempts of IVF in the UK or not.
I’m also getting very worked up about having treatment and working my scans / blood tests / medication around working shifts. In an ideal world, I don’t want anyone I know, especially work colleages, to know I am going through IVF. I don’t want to have to tell people that the treatment failed, or tell them early on that I am pregnant. This is something so, so personal to me, it’s something that I am petrified about and I don’t want to feel like the whole world is watching me. Whilst I moan about the media not offering a true representation of the roller-coaster of infertility, it is still something that is personal and unique to every individual that experiences it.